i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
