A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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