She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's never too late to be topless.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
