I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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