I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
