Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
