I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
