by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize