we have officially lost it.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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