I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
MIDGETS
????
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
