If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Swine flu is the new snow day.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
