i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You made out with two different species that night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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