whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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