who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
