You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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