after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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