Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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