The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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