Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
