in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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