there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
