suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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