I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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