I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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