I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
