Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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