I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
