Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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