my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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