how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
