got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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