I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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