i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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