I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
