i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
