Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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