After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
