He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
