my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
