but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
