I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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