Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
