brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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