grandma shit on top of the toilet
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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