saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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