hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
