her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
