I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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