Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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