if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
