I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
