my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize