I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
