Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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